Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
You Might Also Like
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time