@NoogsCorner: Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it's owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
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@bader_diedrich: Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?” “No” “Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
@rw_powers: 40% of divorces stem from $ issues. 40% are caused by infidelity. The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
@trojansauce: *in the corridor of the club waiting for my transitions lenses to turn back into glasses* i'll see you ladies inside
@StarWarsProblms: Obi-wan: You look different. Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs. Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.