Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.