Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
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Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler