@NickMotown

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

You Might Also Like

@johnbiehl

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

@BGH70

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

@VerbsRProudest

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

@Brampersandon_

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

@UnFitz

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

@Jandalize

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

@Douchekevin

I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.

@TheDairylandDon

I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.