Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
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Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
How animals would run if they were human
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.