Falling coconuts kill more people than falling sharks.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
You Might Also Like
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.