Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
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Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.