whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym