A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
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A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me: We don’t have any more Girl Scout cookies and now I’m sad.
Wife: I get sad, too. Like when I think about being married to a 40yo baby
Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
How To Get Rich:
1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.
2. Empty it the next day.
3. Become a millionaire.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring.
We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.
Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.