@jonnysun

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

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@bestlizard

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

@Playing_Dad

Me: We don’t have any more Girl Scout cookies and now I’m sad.
Wife: I get sad, too. Like when I think about being married to a 40yo baby

@taitutu

Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.

@PaperWash

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

@MantisBlue

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

@Shock_Monster

How To Get Rich:

1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.

2. Empty it the next day.

3. Become a millionaire.

@Dawn_M_

He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring.
We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.

@momowelch

Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.