If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Whenever I see someone popping out of the sun roof of a car, I think they are a modern Centaur with a car for a bottom half.
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My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.