@Royal_Stein

Whenever I see someone popping out of the sun roof of a car, I think they are a modern Centaur with a car for a bottom half.

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@Ristolable

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

@jessokfine

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

@HomeWithPeanut

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

@causticbob

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

@neiltyson

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

@AngelaEhh

This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.

@Amusitr0n

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

@Try2StopME

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

@davetureq

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.