[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
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Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
#winning
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…