[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
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Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Check your privilege
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
one last job
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die