@PanicRestroom

Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: “Who’s that next to you?”

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@Robert_Beau

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

@alexlumaga

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

@OwensDamien

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

@Nickadoo

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

@juneohara65

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

@gruffybeard

The Jews probably would’ve wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.

@MsSkarsgaard

My kids fought over their school bags touching in the trunk if you needed a reason to pull out.

@HatfieldAnne

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

@ahippymermaid

Sometimes I feel like my life is a M. Night Shyamalan movie. Nothing about it makes sense and I’m at that point of my life where I could use a dramatic plot twist.