Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: “Who’s that next to you?”

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You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.


The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time


‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’


The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.


I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.


The Jews probably would’ve wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.


My kids fought over their school bags touching in the trunk if you needed a reason to pull out.


I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”


Sometimes I feel like my life is a M. Night Shyamalan movie. Nothing about it makes sense and I’m at that point of my life where I could use a dramatic plot twist.