Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
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[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
she has a point
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber