*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left