@mattingebretson

Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say “you did that”

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@simoncholland

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

@GlumGeorgeLucas

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

@ch000ch

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

@onion_an

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

@ArfMeasures

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

@Shade510

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

@Playing_Dad

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho