My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say “you did that”
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“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Me: Between 2 and 5
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
IPhone: you sure?
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Relationship status: binoculars