Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
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Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same