Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
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Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.