Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
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Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Monday
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?