Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

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Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.


Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.


*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*


I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.


Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy


If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…


That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.