@lemonmartinis

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

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@comer310

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

@kivtur

Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.

@DaniiGallegos_

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

@DwellerLake

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

@Browtweaten

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

@Goofpoops

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

@juliussharpe

That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.