Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
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People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
honestly, i need both:
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Meow
An odd boast
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin