Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
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Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.