Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

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Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’


every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it


Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof


Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.


me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”


“Oh look, it’s sleeping!” “Oh look, it’s sleeping!” “Oh look, it’s sleeping!” -every trip to the zoo, ever


him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth