Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics