Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
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Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
That lamp looks PISSED.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.