Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states
“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”
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STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout