Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states

“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”

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Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.


Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.


*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly


I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.


The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms


Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.


Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests


she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout