@shwebby2

Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states

“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

@daddydoubts

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

@leapeajo

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

@TheBeerGuy73

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

@3sunzzz

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

@UncleDuke1969

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

@jpbrammer

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout