Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
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me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
#titanic
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
i think we should see other cousins
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Scream sneezers need love too.