Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

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When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”


pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..


WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer


[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]


I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.


Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious


Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.


I’m sorry, I’m just in a really weird place right now I say from a lazy Susan inside a friend’s pantry