@QwertyJones3

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

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@sarcasticmommy4

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

@ImaFlyontheWall

pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..

@fro_vo

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

@Ygrene

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

@Ideal_Victoria

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

@J0hnnyBlaze

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

@Jake_Vig

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

@SuperJuanderer

I’m sorry, I’m just in a really weird place right now I say from a lazy Susan inside a friend’s pantry