Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
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I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.