Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography