@AbidaleW

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

You Might Also Like

@HiddenPinky

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

@mrjohndarby

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

@jazmasta

By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.

@3sunzzz

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

@notthenanny

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

@TweetPotato314

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

@kevinrowe1

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.