Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

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The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh


[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled


By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.


Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.


Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!


It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.


[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]


I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.