Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
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*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
emergency phone
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Every photo I’m tagged in
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.