whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
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I miss this era type of pranks😭
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.