Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
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Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show