@3sunzzz

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

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@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

@darinlovesbacon

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

@envydatropic

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

@BlindChow

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

@Book_Krazy

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

@11MyJam

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

@GingerHotDish

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

@BoogTweets

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

@StarWarsProblms

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

@Smooheed

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*