@StillNotCool2

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

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@kelkulus

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

@mollymcnearney

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

@DuhhEmma

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….

@IamJackBoot

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

@shawn_spree

This 8 year old kid at McDonald’s just ordered coffee. I hate to think the hell of the day he is having.

@Scriblit

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

@AmericanGent69

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?