Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I’m too immature for adultery.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.