Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
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When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
oh you wanna fight?!
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
#NoRestForTheWicked
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
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My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*