Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
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Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[taking long drag from cigarette] if the blackbox can’t be destroyed then why don’t they just make the whole plane out of the blackbox material
flight attendant: you are absolutely not allowed to smoke in here
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Most homophobes are secretly gay. However, most arachnophobes are not secretly spiders.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
me: the apple never falls far from the tree
friend: is that why its floating
me: yeah gravity is hella weird here