@joshgondelman

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

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@AnkCoupleTO

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

@AmericanGent69

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

@Bob_Janke

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

@stanleybehrman

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

@NOTVIKING

[taking long drag from cigarette] if the blackbox can’t be destroyed then why don’t they just make the whole plane out of the blackbox material

flight attendant: you are absolutely not allowed to smoke in here

@stacieooooo

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

@TheTweetOfGod

Most homophobes are secretly gay. However, most arachnophobes are not secretly spiders.

@RidiculousSheri

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

@climaxximus

me: the apple never falls far from the tree

friend: is that why its floating

me: yeah gravity is hella weird here