In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
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My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE