I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
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Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.