@TheWinegasm

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

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@fuzzlime

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

@GorillaNipples1

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

@zachreinert03

I really hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning. I don’t want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day

@Brampersandon_

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

@Alohababe2011

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

@captaincoximus

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

@DrakeGatsby

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*