my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
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If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I really hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning. I don’t want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
This never gets old
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*