Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
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flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.