@mattgallo123

Whenever I’m drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I’m exercising or if they know I’m hungover on laundry day.

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@Terdoh

Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?

Siri: I clear your browser history.

Me: That’s right darling.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

@FeelingEuphoric

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

@OhReallyRach

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

@the_gramble

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

@justokdane

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

@squirrel74wkgn

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

@yogaknifefight

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

@OakHill_

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now