Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?
Siri: I clear your browser history.
Me: That’s right darling.
Whenever I’m drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I’m exercising or if they know I’m hungover on laundry day.
You Might Also Like
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
ME: could…could you get it down?
Mullet For My Valentine
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[at movie theatre]
Me (whispers): …it
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now