2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
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A cop that contemplates his existence:
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Doc inserts needle
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
WHO DID THIS?! 😂🙌🏼
What I’ve learned from Twitter:
1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
‘miss, it says here that your debt is outstanding’
oh yeah? well i think your debt is pretty cool too
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.