You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
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ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will