@Dmvm1977

Whenever I’m feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits.

Today I’m writing my bosses obituary.

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@Ilovelamp1979

Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.

@Daveastated

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

@Home_Halfway

In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.

@Rebelling_Jyn

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

@TheTweetOfGod

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

@DiamondLou69

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

@juanadog

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

@Jenny4ashley

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

@fro_vo

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays