Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
Whenever I’m feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits.
Today I’m writing my bosses obituary.
You Might Also Like
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays