Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

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I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”


my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling…. everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.


I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.


My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.


I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.


You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one


Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late