Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
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Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.