Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
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Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing