@MelvinofYork

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

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@BrosConfessions

“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”

@RachelNoise

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

@sethmeyers

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

@capnwatsisname

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

@sixfootcandy

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

@GimmieTheHam

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

@GrantTanaka

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

@Divergentmama

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

@arandomhim

*walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation*
We’re fully booked
“Ahem, I’m Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69”
Sorry sir right this way

@DrakeGatsby

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.