“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
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a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”