Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
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Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money