whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
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HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
for all #parents out there
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”