Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
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nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
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Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Breaking news:
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.