@Parentpains

Whenever I’m on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets.

You Might Also Like

@Thynebear

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

@brynnester

Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?

Farmer: The cattle eat it

Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat

@UnFitz

When someone says “I have a secret,” they don’t intend to have a secret for much longer.

@trojansauce

[me as a computer scientist] *pouring a computer into a test tube*

@Bob_Heller

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

@MichaelTrying

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

@Jake_Vig

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

@Faux_Ma

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

@JeffisTallguy

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

@Pappiness

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.