Whenever I’m on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets.

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I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.


Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?

Farmer: The cattle eat it

Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat


When someone says “I have a secret,” they don’t intend to have a secret for much longer.


[me as a computer scientist] *pouring a computer into a test tube*


*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?


Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.


Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.


Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”


Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever


Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.