Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
You Might Also Like
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson