Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
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i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.