Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

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2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.


[spiders pour into room]
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR


7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.


*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*


We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: “stop calling here”


To whoever lost their iPhone 11 Pro outside Target 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.


Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.


When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.


My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week—–together. He’s so demanding!


Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*