I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
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Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
happy friday
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Breaking news:
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.