Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people

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boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean


Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.


[me on phone with mechanic]

Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.


[me as a gynaecologist]
*pronouncing womb like it rhymes with bomb*


[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ??????


A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”


My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”


Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.


Teacher: What’s ur biggst fear?

Child1: Ghosts!
Child2: Dogs!
Child3: That humanity’s core reaction to misunderstanding is anger