Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.