Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

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If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.


I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.


[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?


I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat


Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?


Me: *mouths I love you*
M: *blows kiss*
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*


[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts


Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.