Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
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My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.