@samlymatters

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

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@joejwest

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

@TheToddWilliams

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

@figgled

Before u leave the house, think of the acronym ‘WOWEE’

Wallet
phOne
Wkeys
Egg
Egg (backup)

@BobGolen

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

@JohnMayer

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

@Shade510

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

@rachelle_mandik

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it