Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?