Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
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Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more